It's suffocating here. All this talk about work that needs to be done during Spring Break, talk about finding a summer job, getting a driver's license, all these expectations that I cannot fulfill. The pain and confusion that I feel when reading about Bella's thoughts of her wedding is strange. Strange enough to make me not want to read about the rest of it. I don't really want to be reminded of my relationship status. What am I really? I haven't worn my engagement ring for months. I pretend it doesn't exist even though I know that it does exist in the back of my mind. I am so cruel to him, saying mean things, being self-centered, yet he's still with me, ready to forgive all those cruel words, actions, everything. Ready to comfort me when I'm about to go crazy and feel the urge to kill myself.

I really don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I don't know what I want in life. A successful career? A house with a couple of kids? I don't know, don't really care. I just hate the way I feel about myself, about everything that's happening in my life.

I feel like I've stumbled somewhere along the line and can't stand up. I can't get away from this darkness that's caught me again. It's so dark where I am. So dark that I just want to close my eyes forever and ever. I don't need a fairytale ending. I don't need anyone to save me and bring me back to the good side. I just want someone to stop everything for me.

All the accidents in the world, and none happen to me. I wouldn't mind. Really. Drive-by shootings, bring it on. It doesn't take much to make me happy, but it doesn't take much to break me. I measure myself by the reactions of others, by the grades that I get, by what I believe people perceive of me. I just cannot accept my own imperfections because I want myself to be perfect. The perfect life. Educated with a career, married with kids. That's what it means to be successful right? To be happy?

I just want all of this to end. Please, I'm begging you. Please.