It's suffocating here. All this talk about work that needs to be done during Spring Break, talk about finding a summer job, getting a driver's license, all these expectations that I cannot fulfill. The pain and confusion that I feel when reading about Bella's thoughts of her wedding is strange. Strange enough to make me not want to read about the rest of it. I don't really want to be reminded of my relationship status. What am I really? I haven't worn my engagement ring for months. I pretend it doesn't exist even though I know that it does exist in the back of my mind. I am so cruel to him, saying mean things, being self-centered, yet he's still with me, ready to forgive all those cruel words, actions, everything. Ready to comfort me when I'm about to go crazy and feel the urge to kill myself.

I really don't know how much of this I can take anymore. I don't know what I want in life. A successful career? A house with a couple of kids? I don't know, don't really care. I just hate the way I feel about myself, about everything that's happening in my life.

I feel like I've stumbled somewhere along the line and can't stand up. I can't get away from this darkness that's caught me again. It's so dark where I am. So dark that I just want to close my eyes forever and ever. I don't need a fairytale ending. I don't need anyone to save me and bring me back to the good side. I just want someone to stop everything for me.

All the accidents in the world, and none happen to me. I wouldn't mind. Really. Drive-by shootings, bring it on. It doesn't take much to make me happy, but it doesn't take much to break me. I measure myself by the reactions of others, by the grades that I get, by what I believe people perceive of me. I just cannot accept my own imperfections because I want myself to be perfect. The perfect life. Educated with a career, married with kids. That's what it means to be successful right? To be happy?

I just want all of this to end. Please, I'm begging you. Please.

I'm still struggling with how I feel about myself and my school work. I know I'm not failing, but the stress makes me wonder if this is worth it in the end. I have highs and lows throughout the day and it's rather crazy when I can be happily talking to people in my class, but be on the verge of crying when I'm commuting home.


Am I happy? No, I am not. I think it's cause I don't feel like I'm in control of things. I still feel depressed more often than not. I worry about getting that internship I applied for this year.

This is the third weekend that I've felt...depressed. Lack of motivation. Lack of getting things accomplished. Lack of moving anything. It feels like it's slowly eating me away. Everything I worked so hard to build up, my self-esteem, my sense of worth, all just slowly deteriorating.

I don't feel pretty anymore. I don't wear nice clothing. What's the point when you'll just get chemicals all over it or it'll make you so warm that you'd feel like passing out. There's no point in being pretty. Dressing in nice clothing. Making your hair pretty. You'll just have to tie it up. I hate it. I hate it a lot. I hate not feeling good about myself. Whoever said that you can be a size 12 and still be pretty is a lie. Maybe if you started as a size 20+ or something.

Food doesn't make me happy anymore. The less I eat the better. Sweets make me sick. They hurt my stomach and I'm left with guilt over the calories they hold. It's silly, though. I don't want to be like Poppy's sister. I really really don't.

I really like Poppy's story. It's nice to read about two very different people growing up in extraordinary circumstances trying to help each other and find love. My favourite part has been when Poppy tries to bleed herself (note: the wrist is a bad area to do it, silly) and she wakes up angry that she's alive. Angry that they saved her. She's lucky, you know. She can blame her necrosis on her deteriorating family. It's like kids who are messed up from divorce. The reaction is like, "Poor kid. Probably traumatized and neglected from the divorce."

Me? Nothing wrong with my family. Nothing broken. We just don't love each other in a North American kind of way. We love each other through money, not words. I have nothing to blame my necrosis on! It's frustrating because there's nothing that I can blame but myself!

Another beautiful story is from Princess when Skador's mother starves herself to death (almost) because her lover Chad died (and thus lost her will to live). Then she ends up drinking poison since she was dieing too slowly for what's-his-name. There's just something beautiful about the scene where she pretends to be happily amongst her children, only to toss the food she brings along into an empty tree trunk. It's morbidly beautify, to die for love.

Gwad, I really really tried not to fall back into my old habits at university. It's week 5 in the semester and I'm struggling like no tomorrow. I have no motivation to do this anymore. I feel like I can't do this!

I want to quit. Really.

I've been really unhappy for the past couple of weeks and my mental health is the shit. My family is driving me insane. I have no friends in Toronto. I feel like I'm trapped in the house. I've become slightly obsessed with counting calories. My mother keeps dictating what I eat and questioning everything I eat. Then she goes and tells me to eat some chocolates and that she bought cake.

Every now and then, the voice in my head tells me that I have no will to live either.