omg. I swear, I'm going to break soon. Tons of self-loathing, self-hatred, horribly depressed kind of thing going on. Ate way too much chocolate today (not good for my diet). Gawd, I feel like killing myself badly. If only I had the courage to do so. I read a story the other day where a character tried to, with a razor and I felt...envious of that character. It takes courage to try to hurt yourself.

It's amusing when I tell the boy I feel depressed and his response is, "is there anything I can do?" Interestingly, the answer in my mind is always, "please kill me."

In a way, I'm too old for these feelings. I'm not some angsty teenager anymore. Yet, they've haunted me for what seems like forever. I still don't like people. I still don't understand normal society. I don't fit into my class. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

Everytime the subway comes to the station, there's this wonder that blossoms within me asking what it would feel like to jump. Everytime I wait at the bus stop and a car passes, I wonder what it would be like to jump in front of it. Yet, I haven't gathered the courage to do it. Silly, really.

What would it be like to put myself out of this misery that we call living?